Temporary solace

I feel darkness filling me quickly, a deep, twisted desire to hold inside one final breath.

Dread and dreariness smother my atmosphere, thick and suffocating.

So why would I want to release what’s inside me? Why do I feel like this? And why does the nothingness that covers the air and surrounds me somehow comfort me instead?

It’s the only place I’ve known for so long; it’s the only space where I can simply exist.

What an odd peace it brings, no expectations, no disappointments, no weariness from trying and never succeeding. Is that sick?

They say you cannot heal in the environment that made you... yet it soothes me. It gives an illusion of safety, numbs my pain just long enough that I can no longer tell where the hurt ends and the numbness begins.

Once I start down this slope, I can’t seem to stop. Comfort breeds contempt, never your best, and I know this. And still, I choose the temporary solace that this darkness provides.

I’ve stayed here too long, I’m too stuck. I want out, to see the other side, to scream, to shout, to see the light and be carried out.

I’m done saving myself. I’m done with effort. I seek restoration, to cover over every scar and stain.

The lure of this deep, hollow pit allows me not to bother, but I just want someone to bother me without being a bother to me.

My thoughts are scattered, I don’t know if I’m confused, but I look to the sky for hope, calling on God to show. Through his creation I aim to see his eyes, to know that they cry for me and I’m not alone.

For the sight of his clouds carry me, the sound of his rain calms me, the move of his wind, is his touch, and it clothes me, dressing me silently, not exposing me.

I feel heavy, like weights that are dragging me down, too much to bear.

Let the seas part in my mind, and let sense and sensibility walk clear.

Let it claim dominion over my conviction and set me on a new path of sufficiencies, and let a new work start efficiently, despite my tendencies to return to that which is not good for me, the comfort of nothing and the taste of bad ecstasy!

Anu Aborisade